Learning to love again
by luvaddek
Summary: Derek was appointed as the new Chief of Surgery. He had achieved what he had wanted for years but still he didn't feel anything. All he felt was emptiness. What was missing?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: GA or the characters mentioned are not mine.

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Derek was sitting alone outside his trailer nursing a glass of scotch. It was pretty late but he couldn't sleep. Today was a big day for him. The board had chosen him as the next chief. He had beaten very tough competitors and achieved what he had always wanted. He had often dreamed about this day. He believed that becoming a chief would make something happen. It would make everything different. He had waited for this day for so long. He thought he would feel on top of the world, but for some reason, he didn't. Even after realizing his lifetime ambition he wasn't in any celebratory mood. Rather he was sliding into an unexpected depression. He felt empty.

His first reaction was not at all like this. He did feel on top of the world when Richard announced the big news to him. He had a victorious feeling. He had trumped his enemies Mark and Addison. He couldn't wait to gloat in front of them. He only considered Burke as his real threat but he was more excited for beating Mark and Addison. He knew they both were good candidates for the position and in New York they would have given him tough competition but the equations were different in Seattle. They didn't stand any chance here and it annoyed him when they though they did. Seattle was his sanctuary. They should have backed out long before but then his victory wouldn't have been so special.

He couldn't wait to see his competitors' reactions. Burke was a rival since day one but it was only professional. He thought it was a healthy competition. He expected Burke to accept his defeat sportingly but Burke left hospital immediately after his meeting with Richard. It was understandable. He was supposed to get married today. Burke had other important things to worry about. But still Burke could have at least congratulated him as a professional courtesy. But even when they met him at wedding, Burke didn't even mention anything about the promotion.

Mark and Addison were the ones who surprised him the most. They weren't just professional competitors. They were Derek, Addison and Mark. They had history together. Since med-school they had shared this dream about becoming a chief of surgery and each one had confidently claimed that they would be the first one to get there. Probably they were the only ones who exactly knew how important and significant this opportunity was for him. But still neither of them had bothered to acknowledge his achievement. Both of them made themselves scarce for rest of the day. This wasn't the first time they had stood against each other. They had always been competitors, first for top rank in exams, then surgeries in internship and then for the position of chief resident. But each time it was healthy competition. They were always happy for whoever won and had always celebrated like it was their own success. But now things had changed. They weren't friends anymore. The competition between them wasn't just professional. It was more like fighting for their territories.

Derek felt a bit sad for not able to share his joy with his ex-best friends. But the feeling vanished when he saw Meredith approaching him. He didn't need his ex-best friends. He had Meredith, his love to share every joy of life. He shared the big news with her and he could see in her eyes how happy she was for him. Her eyes were filled with admiration and pride. She was in hurry to solve some Cristina related crisis but she congratulated him with a quick peck and promised him that they would celebrate tonight at Joe's. Derek reminded himself that he had his dream job and dream girl and life was perfect. But why didn't it feel that way. May be his mood will change after they celebrate his success tonight.

But they didn't get any chance to celebrate. He didn't know why but his dream girl dumped him at the wedding which didn't happen. "It is so so over" that's what he got. No further explanation. He felt it was Karma. He had left the people who loved and cared for him for no reason and now the girl whom he loved and deeply cared left him. He deserved it.

So here he was. On the biggest day of his life he was sitting alone in middle of nowhere making his own celebratory drink. He wondered if it had made any difference if Meredith hadn't dumped him. May be he would still be alone tonight. Meredith wouldn't have left Cristina for him. Her friends were her family. They were always her top priority. And her idea of celebration was getting smashed at Joe's. But now even that did not happen. He had no one with whom he could celebrate, no friend to pat on his shoulder, no family to say how proud they were.

He had called his mom to share the news. Luckily all his sisters and their families were also at mom's house. It was one of his niece's birthday and they were celebrating at mom's place. As usual he had forgotten but he promised to send a nice gift. But his niece wasn't much interested in talking to her estranged uncle. She barely spoke two sentences and handed the phone back to his mother. He wondered if Addison had wished her. He didn't know how things were between his sister and Addison. Most probably they were still on good terms and in that case Addison must have sent some expensive gift in advance.

His mother sensed that there was a reason he called because there were very few occasions when he did. When Derek told her about his promotion she was ecstatic. She couldn't express in words how proud she was. She immediately announced the news to everyone. They all shouted congratulations from their places but no one asked for the phone to talk to him personally. The kids were eager to cut the cake so even his mom couldn't talk for long, but she promised to call back. It had been hours since then but she didn't call back, neither anyone else from his family. He couldn't blame them. He had kept absolutely no contact with them, he can't now expect them to forget last two years and jump with joy for him like they once used to.

He remembered the day when he became Head of Neurosurgery. That day was so different, things had changed a lot. He would have never imagined that he would be alone on such a big day of his life but now he was. If he was in New York, he would have been celebrating hard with all of his friends and family. Addison would have arranged a big surprise party for him. Mark would have opened that 1956's scotch bottle which he had bought in an auction. They had decided to open it when one of them becomes chief. Then after the party there would have been an all-night celebration in their bedroom. But nothing of that happened. Addison didn't even congratulate him. At the wedding he was looking at her from where he stood, but she didn't even look at him once. She looked off. She immediately left after the wedding was called off. At least Mark came to him after the wedding and said congratulation but that was it, nothing more.

He had achieved what he wanted for years, but at this moment he felt he had lost everything. He just felt empty.

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A/N: Hello people. I have a new idea let me know if it is worth continuing. It will be a long chapter story and of course it will be addek (because addek is the only reason i am on this site) but they will take their sweet time. There will be lots of maddek friendship from the beginning and hardly any Merder. But Derek and Addison won't be together for a long time. So let me know if you guys have patience for addek and interested in reading a maddek fic which would happen over season 4 to 6 of GA else i would just leave it as a one shot.


	2. The first step

A/N: Thank you so much for your reviews and showing interest in this story. Keep reading and reviewing. I hope you like this chapter.

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Joe's bar was very crowded today. Generally Derek preferred some quiet place after a stressful day at work but in Seattle he always ended up in Joe's no matter how much he hated the noisy people around him. Initially he liked the place because that was where he had met Meredith. He continued going to Joe's every day after work even after Addison's arrival because that was where Meredith used to be with her friends. Since Meredith and her friends liked the bar that was where he ended up every evening when he and Meredith were together. And now Joe's had become such an integral part of his routine that he automatically turned there every day without thinking.

But these past two weeks had been different. He didn't have any company in Joes. Meredith and her friends had gone somewhere for a vacation. He hadn't heard a word from her since their break up. Burke and Addison had left Seattle. Richard hardly came to Joe's. He had no one to talk to. At times he sat with Miranda who sometimes came there for a quick drink. But mostly he sat alone and silently observed other people.

In hospital he spent most of his time taking over the charge from Chief and learning about his new job. Though he was selected as the new chief, Richard hadn't retired yet. They had agreed that Richard would continue as chief for a month till Derek learns everything. Then he was going to handover the title to Derek in a formal function. The board had arranged a farewell cum welcome aboard party for Richard and Derek which was scheduled two weeks later.

Like every other day today also he was sitting alone at the bar. He heard a familiar voice ordering a very familiar drink. Since there was no other sit available, Mark hesitantly took the sit beside Derek. The two men exchanged a nod but neither of them spoke any word. They just sat there in silence without acknowledging each other's presence. After two more pegs Derek turned towards Mark and noticed that he was engrossed in observing a group of girls sitting at a booth near the entrance. Derek also joined Mark in observing those girls. He didn't remember seeing them before. Most probably they weren't from SGH.

"Which one of them are you planning to bang tonight?" Derek asked casually without looking at Mark.

"I am not able to decide between that busty blonde and skinny brunette." Mark replied without taking his eyes off the girls.

"I knew you would want that blonde. She is definitely hotter than the brunette but she also appears smart and classy. She might not let you get into her pants easily. On the other hand that drunken brunette looks loose and easy. You would have a sure shot with her." Derek offered his analysis of the situation in a business like tone.

"You are right. I should go for the brunette. I will send her a drink. Thanks for your help." Mark said looking at Derek for the first time. He then turned to Joe's "Hey Joe, can you refill our drinks and send a round of tequila shots from me to that brunette over there?"

"Sure. Which one?" Joe asked refilling Mark and Derek's glasses.

"The one sitting at the booth near the entrance." Mark turned again to show the girl to Joe but all the colors on his face drained at the site in front of him.

"Which one?" Joe asked again.

"The one who is kissing the busty blonde." Derek answered on behalf of Mark with a straight face but couldn't hold back his laughter for long.

Mark motioned Joe to drop the idea. He was already frustrated and Derek's loud laugh was annoying him even more. "Shut up Shepherd. This isn't funny."

"Oh sure it is. You should have seen the look on your face. What are the chances that both the women you were eyeing turn out lesbian and start making out with each other? I am sorry for your disappointment." Derek said in between his laughs. "As a consolation let me buy you a drink. So who is your next target?" Derek asked loosening a bit more.

"No one else looks appealing. Anyways I have already got some in the afternoon." Mark replied nonchalantly.

"Stop sleeping with the nurses at the hospital."

"I didn't sleep with any nurse. It was an attending from oncology." Mark replied smugly.

Derek shook his head disapprovingly. "I do not want to know who_ it_ was."

"Okay. All I will say is she was more than pleased with the multi orgasms I gave her. She thought I was god's gift to female species." Mark smirked.

"I didn't want to know that either. But seriously Mark you need to stop sleeping around in the hospital. As a chief of surgery I am going to forbid everyone from having sex in on call rooms. I am thinking about disabling all the locks of on call room doors."

"Says the person who screwed his mistress in an examination room. Let's see what you do when your slutty intern comes back." Mark retorted.

"Well I am planning not to repeat my mistakes. As the Chief of Surgery I need to be more responsible. And Meredith broke up with me so nothing will change even when she comes back."

"She did? So the rumors are true! I am sorry man." Mark said patting Derek's back.

"It's okay. I should have seen it coming. We weren't working. We are very different and are at very different stages in our lives. We want different things. I suppose we weren't meant to be." Derek confessed.

"Hmm. So you are going to be the Chief of Surgery of Seattle Grace in two weeks. You must be thrilled. How does it feel to be at the top?" Mark asked to change the topic.

"Would you believe me if I say I don't feel anything?"

"No. Come on don't try to be modest in front of me. Even though we aren't friends anymore I know you very well. You wanted to be a chief since our internship days. You were obsessed for the post in your last years in New York. You remember, we used to spend hours talking about which one of us would become the Chief and what we would do once we get that power. This is a great achievement man. You have finally got what you always wanted. You should be on cloud nine. If I had got that job I wouldn't have stopped celebrating."

"How would you have celebrated if you had got the job?"

"Just like we always do. Party, dinner, drinks, dance with..." Mark stopped to think about with whom he would have celebrated. All his friends and family which was actually Derek's family was in New York. He didn't have any friends in Seattle. No one really liked him. In that moment he also realized that Derek didn't had anyone with whom he could celebrate his success.

"With?" Derek smirked.

"I don't know. With umm Addison." Mark replied uncertainly.

"From what I have heard she left the town immediately after the wedding." Derek corrected Mark.

"Yes she did. She didn't even tell me before leaving. When she came to the wedding her bags were already packed but she didn't even mention that she was leaving the city for good. I sensed something was off with her but I thought it was just the effect of wedding and the memories. She called me from the airport before boarding her flight. She chose not to tell me about such am important decision of hers till last minute." Mark spoke vulnerably.

"At least she told you before leaving. She didn't think I was worthy enough of her goodbye. I came to know about her departure from Richard that too only because as the new chief I was supposed to know about resignation of one of the staff members." Derek sounded very hurt by Addison's action.

But Derek's reaction didn't surprise Mark. Though Derek had moved on with his life which was rather too quickly, Addison was once a big part of his life. Addison was a big part of both of their lives. The dynamics of their relationships had changed but still because of the hospital they were still part of each other's lives in someway. They still saw each other everyday at work. Even though Addison hated Mark most of the times, he knew she was there if he ever needed a friend. Same was true for Derek. Though Derek behaved as if Addison didn't exist, he went to her if he had to talk. Addison stood by Derek's side and supported him at the time of Meredith's accident even though the situation must be killing her. She was there for Derek whenever he needed him. She was their best friend. But now she was gone. She was moving on and building a life without them. Mark was still not able to digest the fact that Addison had gone and it seemed that neither did Derek.

"How is she doing?" Derek asked after an awkward silence.

"She must be good since she is back in New York." Mark replied.

"New York? I though she moved to LA." Derek asked in confusion.

"No she first went to New York. She said she had to close all loose matters in New York. She left New York quite abruptly the last time, lots of things were pending. She wanted to first clear everything before going to LA. She is putting the brownstone for sale." Mark informed him.

"What? She is selling the brownstone? That was our first home. We fell in love with it the moment we saw it. We took a year to finish the interiors. We spent so much time making sure that every corner of the home was perfect. And now my home is in the market for sale and I get to know about it from _you_."

"I don't think you have any right to complaint. Last year you behaved as if you didn't give a shit about New York or your previous life. You clearly told her that all you were interested in was Seattle. She gave you what you wanted. And she told me only because my bike was there. She wanted to know what she should do with the bike."

"Whatever the reason is, but the fact remains that you know about Addison and her current life more than I do." Derek sighed. "Are you in touch with my sisters?" Derek asked out of a blue. He wanted to know if Mark had taken over his place in his family as well.

"Not very much since I moved here. You know I am not good at keeping in touch. I spoke to Katherine few months back regarding a patient. I spoke to Nancy couple of time. But Amelia calls me every now and then."

"Amy calls you? She never calls anyone of us!" Derek asked in surprise.

"Yes she calls me whenever she does something adventurous or stupid which she can't share with anyone else."

"What adventurous or stupid things Mark? Is she slipping back?" Derek reacted immediately. Though he and Amelia weren't on good terms, he cared for her like a daughter and was always worried about her.

"Relax Derek. This is why she doesn't call you people. You always assume worst for her. She confides in me because I don't judge her. She is working her ass off as a resident. She is damn serious about her career. She has come a long way since those days. Give her some credit." Mark defended Amelia.

"Can I ask you something? I know you will be honest. How horrible am I?" Derek's question caught Mark off guard again.

"What do you mean?"

"I think I have lost everyone, my sisters, Addie, you, our other friends. I know I have become a horrible person but I don't know how horrible. I don't know if there is still any chance or I have gone too far."

"On a scale of one to ten, ten being the most horrible I would give you seven as a brother & friend and twenty as a husband. But I think there is still a chance with your sisters. Derek your problem is you have set the bar too high. For years you had been this sweet, caring, dependable and supportive family guy. They used to count on you for being there for them but then you got self-engrossed and stopped caring about others. And when you left Seattle you completely abandoned them all. They tried to maintain a relation across the country but you didn't respond to their efforts at all. They are hurt. But I am sure they will forgive you. You are a lucky bastard Derek all the women in your life have been very forgiving towards you. You got second chances which in my opinion you didn't deserve nor valued. Everyone is not as lucky as you are. I never got a second chance." Mark answered honestly.

Derek though over what Mark had said. He realized that Mark was talking about Addison when he said he never got the second chance.

"Addison did quite a number on you didn't she? This is a completely new side of Mark which didn't even know existed." Derek stated looking straight into Mark's eyes.

"It's quite late. I should leave I have an early surgery tomorrow." Mark said completely avoiding Derek's question and gaze. Derek didn't press the issue further. This was the first time the two ex-best friends had a real conversation since New York. Both of them had missed each other. But both were equally egoist and stubborn. Neither of them was going to admit that they had a good time. Mark stood up and started to leave but he stopped abruptly and turned back towards Derek "Derek, if you ever need someone to talk to you know my number and where I live." After that statement he quickly left without waiting for Derek's response. Derek just kept staring at his retreating friend.


End file.
